Kill the President

Part 5

"Irving," says Hedda in the john to Lumwedder,
'I'm worried, you're actin' so strange.
Oh, it's not just the hat, or what you did to the cat
of that nice diplomat. We got over that ––"
"Darlin' I ain't gone deranged ... I've just changed."

"Just changed? Oh, no, honey, you been actin' real funny.
Even Maria, she said you've gone weird.
She says you just stare. If you're having an affair! ––"
"No Hedda! I swear! I just ... stare in the air ...
or at ... writin'." "(Lord, it's worse than I feared.)

"You been tootin' again? You messin' with cocaine?
I'm tellin' you plain, you no-brainer ––"
"Honey, let me explain. There ain't no cocaine
and no maryjane. And my brain ain't insane.
If you ask me, I've never been saner.

"Look, darlin', look here. No, in the mirror, see here.
Do you see it? In the mirror? Ain't it queer?"
"Irving, what you sayin'? You sayin' your grayin'?"
"Well, sorta. Decayin'. Yeah, that's it, decayin'.
Hey! Purvis and Graham, come in here!

"Good. Purvis and Graham, come in, we ain't prayin'.
That's it, good, now don't be afraidy.
Now, what did you say? Graham, just the other day.
Purvis, you saw the decay. I just want you to say
what you said then ... please tell the First Lady."

Nothing in the Service trained Cleatus Merle Purvis
for whatever the President was playing.
"Well, sir ... decayin' ..." Then butts in John Graham,
"I remember him saying 'Mr President, decayin'
is natural, like a good chicken layin'.'"

The President quickens: "That's it!! Cleatus's chickens!
Exactly! The chickens! Precisely!!
I've been tryin' so hard and my security guard ...
my praetorian guard with his fine chicken yard,
what I stumble to say, he says nicely!

"Hedda, do you see? It's plain as can be!
It's sure clear to Johnny and Cleatus.
With something like that – here John, take my hat –
Hedda, something like that is where it's all at.
If we got it, no enemy can beat us!!

"Good! We're all one. Now, I gotta run.
I got a media conference at three."
And with that, and "What fun!" he turns and he runs
out the door, then he comes quickly back in "Say, hun,
where's that hat? Thanks! Gotta look good for TV!!"

To be continued

Kill the President

Part 4

Come one, and come all, to the great Dining Hall,
First Lady, two maids and a few
PR's of the day, an Appointments PA,
an Ointments PA and three RQTJ's
(and nobody knows what they do).

Whatever their job is, they brighten the lobbies
and halls of the house of the Presidents
(this Castle of Common, this Home of the True Man,
the True Man and Woman, of the Rights of the Human).
Your typical American residence.

"President Lumwedder – where is he?" asks Hedda
Lumwedder, to Graham and Purvis.
"In the Oval Bathroom," says Purvis, "... I assume.
Every day around noon he hides in that room –– "
"And may'am," interrupts Graham, "we're nervous

'cause Purvis and me, we go get him, you see,
at one on the dot – it's an order.
But the last month or so, he's been ... well ... you know ...
kinda ... reluctant ... to go, in the middle of his ... show –– "
"His show?" "Yes may'am. His camcorder."

"What the hell are you sayin'?! Purvis, tell me what Graham –
what the Sam Hill he's sayin'! Is he queer?
A camcorder? Like ... pictures? Oh Lordy, that's rich!
You damn sons o' bitches! You say he takes pictures?
Of what?!" "... Of hisself. In the mirror."

"What – nekkid?" "No, may'am," says Agent John Graham.
"Not nekkid? Well thank Jeeeezuz!" laughs Hedda.
"Indian suit," mumbles Graham. "Say what?!" "Indian, may'am.
He's taken to playin' like a Injun, and prayin' –
he's been prayin' a lot, in them feathers."

Now, this First Lady never was one who would ever
make a fuss like an Eleanor or Hillary,
or even like Nancy, be seen to get antsy.
She's nothing too fancy, a bit of a pansy –
but when she explodes ... field artillery!

"Camcorder, you say. And a show. Every day.
Well I'll give him a show, and that's that!
Stand aside, let me through, I know what to do –– "
"And what will you do?" whispered Irving "To who?"
John salutes. "Mr President! (Sir ... your Geronimo hat.)"

"I'm partial to these feathers," smiles Irving Lumwedder
with the air of a saint. "Yup, they're stayin'."
Says Hedda, "Lumwedder, you can't wear them feathers!
Your head's sick. Well I never!" "Hedda, I never felt better.
Come into the john, I'll explain."

To be continued